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Saturday, December 10th, 2005
12:55 am - wow.....
dont really know what compelled me to write right now. im sitting at jens watching sam cause she went out with some high school friends. again, its been to long since my last update. i have a new job at verizon now as a result of telling rich to fuck off in front of my trainee. i definately dont regret it. im so glad to be out of perkins. it was looong overdue. but i miss my friends. the feeling of coming to work and being surrounded by the people youve known for years, and knowing what your doing. i hate the feeling of being the new person. im also the only female in the store. and the job is tough. sooo much more than i expected. quotas that are ridiculously unrealistic. and i sell phones right?? but who knew that selling phones can be what you get fired for if your not selling and average of 2.75 accessories with them. hopefully ill get it soon, but im going to have a back up plan just in case. next there is abe. for the first time in three years i know its over, and i can actually accept that. never thought that would happen. guess after your boyfriend threatens you with a gun its all down hill from there. ive realized what really depresses me and kept me haning on so much is that im scared that the good qualities i found in him when he was sober, i may not find in someone else. dont know why i couldnt see it before. theres a fine line between love and fear. but i will say i feel so much more relaxed without the stress a disfunctional relationship brings. but i cant get back the time i lost. that also depresses me. i just keep thinking if i had done things differently i could be in a completely different place right now. i actually saw a law and order the other day that really got to me, and i burst into tears. i just kept thinking what if abby hadnt got reception on her phone and woken up?? i dont think he wouldve ever hurt me or himself, but how so i know?? i never thought he'd lay a hand on me either. guess i cant dwell on what couldve happened and just be grateful and move on right?? anyway....gotta get ready for work tommorow. hope ya'll are doing well.

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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
2:14 am - quick version...
i need to take time and do a full update cause so much is going on. i hate money and men still but i love my new job at solar midwest and would be completely content being a carny for the rest of my life. im also looking into vegas again. i was going to move there three years ago cause i know people there, but it fell through. im getting the itch again.

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Friday, February 11th, 2005
3:08 am - OOOOOOOOOOH!!!
oooohhhhh!!!!!! U decide to call me now??? grrr.

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2:52 am - just another day
well, im completely lame. i have a habit of doing something, it fails horribly, and then i do it all over again. i do this with so many things. its my greatest weakness. my diet, exercising, quiting perkins and going right back, smoking, stupid drunken decisions that are a "good idea" at the time, and of course...abe. my diary entries from 1997 look exactly the same as one from yesterday. IM DONE. things are going to have to change by my 21st birthday. one thing at a time. im doing better in general, but have a lot of work left. the weird thing is, i know its different this time. i have accomplished two things...becoming neat and organized, and sticking with my exercising. my room, house, and car stay clean most of the time now. that for miss messy is huge. and ive been going to the gym for almost two months religiously. now, my eating habits next. then the smoking. then i have to learn how to let go of my bitterness towards assholes who like to break my heart.

anywho...thats all for now.

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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
6:21 am - after five years.....
well, today sucked ROYAL. im sitting year with a glass of cheap wine, thinking things over. again. and this is the best summary of my life in the past year......
a rollercoaster that doesnt stop. just keeps going and going and going. and you know every time the big drops are going to come, and they enevitably always do. yet every time you go down, it makes you just as sick as the first time. and you may even throw up. but then you forget how bad it was, so you figure...ah, this time it will be ok. and its not. imagine that.

but i think im off now. i left a message saying i dont want to be friends because i know you lie. then, two minuets later i changed my phone number. that simple. dissconected my homephone. and, just in case, i dont say my name when i answer at work. the cell part sucks cause ive had that number for five years, but it had to be done. now he cant get ahold of me if he ever did decide to try. and i wont wonder every time my phone rings. and he cant drive down here cause, well, you know. he he.

and thats all she wrote.

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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
2:57 am - so tired....
things have been busy lately. i feel so out of the loop. my life is very simplified right now. but some of my close friends are having a rough time and i'm going to do whatever i can to help out. but it is exhausting. stalking cheaters, doctors apts., court dates, and insomnia are catching up to me. its not too bad though.

anyways, yesterday i took adderall and it was wonderful. for the first time in months i didnt physically feel like shit. i had energy, and my body stopped hurting. i knew i had to be up for two days straight, but not something i can do all the time. i am mrs. adictive personality after all.

work is ok. still have a week to think on the new job or stay at perkins. dont know yet.
showed houses on sat. and it went well. think i'll be writing the offer on the one in white bear soon! wish me luck.

hugs to everyone.

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Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
3:30 am - ok ya'll who rag on me to update......
well, its been quite a while ehh? i need to write more but its been busy. i just bought a new car. a malibu 2000 ls. i love it. i hate my job soooo much. perkins blows! its so full of shitty people. no offense to those i absoutely adore of course. but tommorow i want to look for a new job. i got a new apt, a new car, and a new ....insert job title here.... . real estate is ify right now so i have to have a steady paying job.
what else...
my roommate and i r talking again which makes me sooo happy.
sunday has become bingo night. still staying optimistic bout winning soon :}
i used sue's i.d. last thurs. and went to brothers, and saturday to the wild onion. me, and my friend tom collins that is.
my friend dyed my hair today but it needs more blonde. have to do that this wk.
why are all my friends in miserable relationships??

speaking of that...
my ex called. we've talked a few times the last couple months. he's still with his new girlfriend. we talked for a couple hours. this time i found out that if i had just told him how i felt after we broke up we'd maybe have a chance to still be togeather.
and i was doing soooo well.
someone please take a jagged stick and shove it.

other than that all is well. will write again soon. must smoke and sleep now. yup, still a pack-a-day'er

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Monday, August 9th, 2004
2:12 pm
ok, well-i dont really have much to say at all. i should clean my room, or do the millions of things i should do blah blah blah. god this sucks. im so completely fed up with my life i could puke! an p.s.-dont bother calling me again. i.dont.care.about.her. get it?

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Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
1:50 am - long time no update....
beware-venting ahead: ive had a horrible couple of days. i started these new diet pills and they make me naseaus. im in debt. ive been working my ass off, to pay my double rent and bills this month. i even paid two of my five credit cards off. its inevitable. everytime i try to get caught up, it comes crashing down. i woke up today, and tried using my phone. it was shut off. LONG story short, i owe tmobile 500 dollars b/c i went over my minuets by a thousand. i have a plan with three thousand! ive been with them for five years and have never paid over 120. so, all ive done today is cry. and have no phone. and i needed to talk. this just put me over the edge. so i went right over to jen's. she has been so wonderful to me. and she understands what im going through, and never tells me "budget your money better, and cut out what you dont need" just like everyone else. if i cut out the few things i do that make me feel better about mysef, i'd end up in a hospital. it all started the end of march, and hasnt stopped. at night i just pray for god to give me strength. michelle leaves for colorado in a couple weeks. i dont want to do this again!

so i came over to use her computer, and on her screen saver is a beautiful picture of the colorado mts. instantly i knew it was taken when abe brought me down to see her for my birthday. Even though it wouldnt be good for me, i would give anything i have to be standing on those mts. again. to do it all over, and remember what happy is.

i wont be like this forever. just give me time.....

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Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
5:04 am - la di da...
so...i went on a date tonight. his name is keith. he's a great guy. he's justine's b/f's best friend. i wasnt to happy that it started off two feet away from abe's old place. we were on our way to blaine, and jus and i were following the guys and they decided to stop at the gas station we used to live at. its so hard for me to be out there b/c i get so sad. but then we went to dinner , and it got better. we all laughed alot and had a blast. he's cute, and sweet. and then jake and jus went home and we went to play pool. it was actually fun. the first of several dates i have been on lately that i had fun. i could possibly really like this guy. I have to get over abe. i dont know how, but i have to open up and give something a try, and i think its about time. we are going out tommorow, and im excited. when he brought me home we talked for a long time in the car outside my house. it was so nice. and so was the goodbye kiss:}

(july 20th-scratch all that. he turned weird. i said we needed to slow down. he cried and cried. grrr.}

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Friday, June 11th, 2004
3:16 pm - hello....
got my car fixed and im getting a new one. now i just need to deal with my landlord and all will be well.

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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
9:28 pm - UNREAL!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??????????????? seriously. im so pissed!! my car died. and after many many hours of balling my eyes out, my grandpa said he will give me a loan and i can pay him back with interest. at least im going to be able to get a new car. he also is having it looked at to see if we can get it fixed just for a while till we find a good car.

still havent heard from my landlord. poopfart!!

abby is staying here! good for me bad for her:{

my house smells like cat sooo bad! i cant TAKE it anymore!

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Monday, June 7th, 2004
2:25 am - AHHHHH!!!!!!!
SEX AND THE CITY SEASON SIX!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! never seen it, so excited oh my oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

miss abby leaves for bootcamp on thursday. SO SAD. what am i gonna do for 6 wks??????

Week from hell otherwise. I cant get out of my lease b4 my new one starts so im fucked and broke and fat. hmm. im not whining at all:}

and im pretty sure i still hate u.

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Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
7:27 am - grr....
i just dont want to whine to any of my friends right now. so im just going to write this, and hopefully wake up with tommorow being a new day. something tonight really made me sick to think of the two of them togeather, and how much i just wish i could go back and do it different.

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Thursday, May 20th, 2004
8:30 pm - hola...
well, life continues on. its been weird lately. im feeling better. i saw abe and got my couch back, and we had a civilized but short conversation. he's moving home. then two days after that i went to his parents house with beautiful abby. it was fun. we just were lazy all day and sang songs. i also found out that the night before abe had been drunk at a party dancing around in a leather mini skirt. hmmm. thats my exboyfriend. it makes me so sad to know that he's on a complete pass to self distruction.

bills continue to pile up. need to kick it into gear and pick up some serving shifts.

put a trace on my phone to identify who's been calling me from a blocked number. it works! now i just have to wait till they call again. waiting impatiently....

on a good note, i quit mario's team and am now working with brad. THANK GOD!! im so grateful.

and, i dont know where the motivation had come from, but im working out everyday, and am going to force myself to do this no matter what it takes.

i also have started seeing this mentor/counsler to help me deal with everything thats causing me stress in my life. she puts a good prospective on things and i really like her.

AND> im moving in with melissa from work. hopefully close to laura and cara, but we dont know for sure yet. im excited

AND-michelle is coming home on monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hugs and kisses to all my friends!!!!!

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Friday, May 14th, 2004
1:51 am - a pensive moment.....
Before i start my rambling, i just want to say, though not usually a fan of britney, her song everytime is great.

now, i was thinking today about the phrase "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." i just want to say i think that is BULLSHIT. Y? because if you have never really been in love with someone, you cant miss it. and they say when you lose, you learn. well...why? why cant you learn and experience with the person that your meant to be with?

i wish you'd just go away. but im not letting it get me down anymore. im getting happier.

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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
11:06 pm - another day in the life...
today was nice out. a little hot though. feel like ive lived at perkins though, and its only half way through the week. now im at my office, doing work, with laura. just talked to brad, trying to get him to take continuing ed next week. every agent needs thirty hours a year, so me and nancy, a woman i work with at perkins, are taking our classes all next week togeather. ahh school. its been a while. we are taking "how to counsel the buyer". it shouldn't be too bad. i also get to see pat on saturday, which will make me happy. i havent seen him since he quit. and going out with sasha tommorow after work. hmmm...forgetting something...oh ya, SLEEP. will have to schedule that in next week.

Current most hated phrase:

thats money-still

music:pink-love song

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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
12:07 pm - this weekend....
not much to report. kind of boring actually. girls night is every thursday. this week was fun. we started off with dinner, then mall, then dealt with melissa's boy drama. which is good for me because then i dont feel like im alone in my situation. we re-grouped on sunday and watched hours of sex and the city. we also got ourselves pulled over on purpose.

Here's what happened-
melissa forgot to turn her lights on, and we passed a cop. thinking it was eric, we pulled right up on his bumper. he pulled a U turn and got behind us, and of course put on his lights. as it turned out, we didnt know the guy! he asked us what was going on and had a huge laugh when we explained.

kisses to all my beloved friends!!

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Thursday, April 15th, 2004
4:29 pm - :{
this week has been pretty good. until last night. i went on my date with the guy i met at work. long story short...he is a thirty five yr old recovering alcoholic in AA, who has a three yr old daughter, who came with us and called me mommy. AND... he was rude to the server!! HELP!


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Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
11:39 am - oh happy day...
so i have a date tommorow night.
and thurs.
but i hate men.
this could be a problem.:}

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