wow.....

dont really know what compelled me to write right now. im sitting at jens watching sam cause she went out with some high school friends. again, its been to long since my last update. i have a new job at verizon now as a result of telling rich to fuck off in front of my trainee. i definately dont regret it. im so glad to be out of perkins. it was looong overdue. but i miss my friends. the feeling of coming to work and being surrounded by the people youve known for years, and knowing what your doing. i hate the feeling of being the new person. im also the only female in the store. and the job is tough. sooo much more than i expected. quotas that are ridiculously unrealistic. and i sell phones right?? but who knew that selling phones can be what you get fired for if your not selling and average of 2.75 accessories with them. hopefully ill get it soon, but im going to have a back up plan just in case. next there is abe. for the first time in three years i know its over, and i can actually accept that. never thought that would happen. guess after your boyfriend threatens you with a gun its all down hill from there. ive realized what really depresses me and kept me haning on so much is that im scared that the good qualities i found in him when he was sober, i may not find in someone else. dont know why i couldnt see it before. theres a fine line between love and fear. but i will say i feel so much more relaxed without the stress a disfunctional relationship brings. but i cant get back the time i lost. that also depresses me. i just keep thinking if i had done things differently i could be in a completely different place right now. i actually saw a law and order the other day that really got to me, and i burst into tears. i just kept thinking what if abby hadnt got reception on her phone and woken up?? i dont think he wouldve ever hurt me or himself, but how so i know?? i never thought he'd lay a hand on me either. guess i cant dwell on what couldve happened and just be grateful and move on right?? anyway....gotta get ready for work tommorow. hope ya'll are doing well.